Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]

me: you wanna hot line bling?

date: what?

me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?

date: excuse me

me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!

Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.

Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year

Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.

I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.

Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!

remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate

Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion

It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.

I’m fine by the way.

If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.

Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA

boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

[The shark attack sketch]

Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.

[fin]

Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.

…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.

Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.

Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.

Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.

I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes

cop: do you know why your neighbors called us

me: *into megaphone* NO

My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.