Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

[my first day as a 911 operator]

*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy

There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.

I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*

Probably the best newspaper correction ever

#BritishSausageWeek

Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”

My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?

Me: Yes.

My birthstone is a sushi roll.

8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.

*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*

Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.

If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.

If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.

I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets

– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!

– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.

motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder

Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*

Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.

me: so I just check out women all day?

grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that