Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I need to get laid man!”

– eggs (in the chicken)

my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie

Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?

John Smith: …

*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.

I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.

DATE: Do you like cats?

ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?

My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.

you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am

Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though

‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.

‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.

For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.

Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it

[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back

Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.

Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal

Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

[last supper]

jesus: from now on it’s called dinner

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.

No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them

Friend: Good for you for working out.

Me: I said I done squat today.

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.

Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?

Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no

Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”