Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.

A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.

I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.

I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?

Me: Go to your room.

I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait

When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*

Boss: WTH?!

Me: It’s Natl Bully Month

Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!

Me: well this is awkward

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.

my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.

Parenting is hard, you guys.

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.

This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.

imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out

What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?

A πthon

[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.

My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks