5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
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priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
What a year we’ve had this week.
bartender: what are you having mate
guy who speaks in amazon product titles: yea can i get 2 Beer Beverage, Beer Cans, Portable Alcohol Beverage, Party Tailgate Birthday Event | Catering | Drinking Supplies | Aluminium, Silver (2-count)
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.