Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.

if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.

FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish

Stephen King ruined corn children for me

HER: I love the movie The Shining

ME: [trying to impress] same

HER: what’s ur favorite part

ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine

Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.

Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?

Parenting is easy.

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

From my Mom

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

t-shirt: Lay flat to dry

me: I can’t do laundry lying down

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

Doctor: You have emphysema

Batman: How?

Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations

Batman:

Doctor:

Batman: *throws smoke bomb*

every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”

If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.

I just stabbed a pin in my arm.

Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’

*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*

Yeah. That’s do-able.

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this

I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.

I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles

There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.

Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.

Me: Like this?

Friend: No, not like that

Me: How about now?

Friend: Please stop

Me:

[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test

Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin