Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

Homeschooling, day 8:

People do this willingly?

I’m not a narcissist.

But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.

I won’t take any criticism on this

My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.

Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.

My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.

i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do

Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”

uh you pretty much described my fantasy

He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.

time as an adult:

Halloween

(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving

(5 minutes later)
Christmas

Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs

A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

[family get together]

mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?

me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?

Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean

Voila

Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten

Ah quiet

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

me: *finds new bruise*

brain: press it

Costume idea:

Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.

Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…

don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄

Worlds greatest photobomb

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*

me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”