5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
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Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
I’m crying im so happy for them
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?