Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …

what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??

Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”

Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.

I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.

I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine

Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.

Me: Will it make my dinner?

D: No but-

M: Good talk.

I wish I were this cool 😂

I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*

7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.

7:15AM – Dammit.

Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.

GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did

Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.

Me: You recognize this man?

*slides photo*

Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.

Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.