5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
You Might Also Like
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get