Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

It still works 🤷🏼‍♀️

[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?

BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell

I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey

I’ve disappointed better people.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with

Anyone: hey girl

Me: 😠

Anyone: excuse me ma’am

Me: 😡

Anyone: yo mister

Me: 😡😡😡

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

[At the restaurant]

One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.

I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.

I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though

Man goes to a Doctor.

“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”

“Does it burn?”

“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”

[bank]

Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!

Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke

Robber: No I mean-

Robber2: Wait! Let him finish

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie

Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.

Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.

Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro

Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.

Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..

My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun

Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!

Thought I’d try one:

18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: No

Wasn’t that adorable?!