5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
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“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
When your diet is finally over.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Hank is one in a melon.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
Bed should get ready for ME
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok