5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
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[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
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