@AngryRaccoon2

5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.

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@Jamberee13

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

@4SLars

I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.

@misfarber

Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it

Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!

@Donna_McCoy

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

@shatty48

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

@pourmecoffee

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

@OlBigBear

*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.

Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.

Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?

@CyrusOMerican

[White Castle]

YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.

ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.