I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
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I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.