5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
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Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
*pronounces fake like saké*
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.