Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Professor X: what’s your superpower?

Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton

Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-

Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity

Professor X: welcome aboard

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.

Thyme. He meant thyme.

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?

Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.

I think this might be relevant today.

How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?

Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.

I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.

[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]

Unless:

-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering food

Do NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf

It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

water it, i dare you

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!