Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*

Me: want a piece?

Her: wrong, whole.

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!

Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!

Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”

My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.

If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

Flex on your dentist by asking if they’re free on a random Tuesday 6 months from now

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe

the FOLD cycle on my clothes dryer isn’t working

Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*

– parallel parking a time machine

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.

I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.

Me: It’s so good to have time off to write!

Neighbor: It’s chainsaw day, bitches!

Ugh.

Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.

The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.