Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone really

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back

I wish it worked on everyone

Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️

I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.

When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.

Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.

Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.

Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434

Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

I love using food in the bedroom!

But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…

I mayo may not.

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

Parenting through the years:

1st kid: Organic food only

2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”

3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”

MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?