Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no

Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”

Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]

Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.

just pretend nothing happened

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

interviewer: so mr long legs what are your qualifications for the position of web designer

spider: haha, mr long legs was my father, you can call me daddy

My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?

If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.

Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great

What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?

Happy Dad Joke weekend

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.

Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label

WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY

“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem

Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way

“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.

Him: I like a girl who’s a good host

Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS

Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE

Thanks.