Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait a minute

How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?

A tractor.

I shit my pants last week, which is crazy because I’m usually more of a toilet guy.

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks

Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches

[Interview]

“Why’d you leave ur last job?”

My boss felt threatened by me

[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]

ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.

JOHN: Dad, we know.

OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.

GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.

My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed

A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.

However I die, I want my tombstone to say “Unknown Local Man Found Eaten By Squirrels.”

Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?

Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.

Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”

Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns

“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”