5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
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I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you