Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly

them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu

DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.

My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches

Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac

Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad

can anyone recommend some good behaviours for someone who just started behaving

I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.

Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted

Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee

– book #1 of parent series

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.

Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.

“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend