Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

Leave it to Stephen Chow to pull off one of the funniest and dopest fight scenes in history without ever even throwing a single punch or kick. Bruce Lee’s “Art of Fighting Without Fighting” fully realized.

ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying

WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?

ME: first of all, he says you’re rude

Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ

also my brain: John F. Cennedy

ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.

When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

going ballistic. anyone need anything?

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

😭😭

me: [climbing a tree]

bonsai artist: please stop

*peeing*

I should get outta bed now, I guess.

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

[me, being murdered] agree to disagree

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.

@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

Me: Ah, the elusive white penny

Cashier: That’s a button

“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀

My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; you either have a naked window neighbor or you are the naked window neighbor

I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”

That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

Friend: check out my conscience shell

Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*

Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing