Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they finally got him. they got macavity

My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

THERAPIST: what brings you in today?

ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.

THERAPIST: *starts to cry*

Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.

Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.

My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.

As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.

Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”

Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”

Me: “Oh, boy.”

*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

watching gymnastics

Wearing thermal leggings at my age means I need to go to the toilet 3 minutes before I need to go to the toilet.

9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*

Me: That’s not a toy.

9: I know. It’s a weapon.

Him: You’re some eye candy.

Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.

Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.

I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support

Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.

Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.

[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

LOL

ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.

DOC: Pull yourself together!

*both laughing*

DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.

Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary