Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.

[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.

Aw man, but that’s the best part

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?

Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.

HAHAHAHAHA!

Just kidding. He totally threw up.

I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.

I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

Elf on the Shelf Log:

Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.

Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.

Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.

Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.

Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.

Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!

If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.

At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.

i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift

A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.

Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.