Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.

Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?

I feel that way about far too many people.

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

I got 3 miles in before breakfast.

That’s enough driving for the day

police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: ha nice try

I: excuse me?

M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name

My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.

*curtsying before the royal duck court*

M’allard!

Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.

Me: I just took my contacts out.

they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat

-It’s raining men.

She knows her part so well!

If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon

I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.