Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.

[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL

Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:

Still sucks.

[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.

I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.

You: Where’s Carl?

Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind

You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?

Me: Funny you should ask

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.

I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.

This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

man’s car is covered in blood and tree leaves
Police officer: what’s with the blood?

Driver: I hit a lawyer

Police officer: that explains the blood, but what about the leaves?

Driver: I had to chase him through the park first

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?

You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.

[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants