Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.

Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep

“so she’s gay now?”

yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden

My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.

We have ants and tonight at dinner:

My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?

3yo: I can.

Me: No, humans can’t smell it.

3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.

Me: *rips pants bending over*

Toddler: Daddy! You’re so strong! You ripped your clothes like Hulk!

Me: Uh. Yep. That’s me. Same thing. Just like the Hulk. Indistinguishable.

Toddler: *proudly tells everyone I’m like the Hulk because I rip my pants all the time*

Me: *dies*

My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”

You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

Carl: “It’s chilly out.”

Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”

“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”

“Fair enough, Carl.”

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.

Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??

Me: *pulls a glass push door*

Wife:

Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*

Wife:

Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door

Wife: *nods* weird door

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ

Cain was the first to call out Abelism.

While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.

They grow up so fast.