5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
You Might Also Like
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
It happened to me: I committed to a type of pie before I found out there was a better type of pie on another shelf
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Interior designer.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
it is time once again
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!