5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
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[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree