Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?

[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.

I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food

It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.

You’re still using fowl language.

[First Date]

Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?

Him: No. He’s very handsome too

Me: CHECK PLEASE

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “Efficient.”

My phone just told me my network was unstable.

Same, girl. Same.

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..

God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?

sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own

Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week

Did you know?

Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.

[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]

I think salmon have the right idea.

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?

I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.

My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here