5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
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My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
DOOO EEEET
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.