Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

I mean…but I did

[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party

I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.

MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?

ME (through tears): A…a friend

I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier

Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree

Rorschach: I did

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.

Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “

[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]

me: clever girl

velociraptor: what

me: …clever girl

velociraptor: I’m 26

me: sorry I-

velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

How to cure a headache

1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.

Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.

can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”