5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
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Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Who knew!
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.
Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”
So I went in and applied for the job.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out