Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Home Alone 2 is crazy because how the hell do you lose your kid twice

Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.

If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!

You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window

[pointing to a gravestone]

I’ll have what HE’S having!

They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

I’ve been to Australia. That was their best dancer.

(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)

Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?

(walks out)

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh

Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.

Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.

~my new handbag

Candid photo of me, eating chips.

“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”

“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”

😂😂

One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.

Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*