5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
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People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
This is what makes twitter great
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Do you think people who play for the philharmonic say “today I woke up and chose violins” because if they don’t they totally should
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting