5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
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One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.