5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
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Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
My dad is at it again
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.
Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.