5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
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me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I have no passwords left in me
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.