Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?

*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*

Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything

What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

I like chaos.

-turns on news-

Not like that

The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing

The hardest things to say:

(1) I need help

(2) Worcestershire

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

I’m gonna take this shit to another level!

*pushes elevator button*

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

Enter new password

“336Hours”

Your password is two weeks

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.

Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?

Me: How many would be the equivalent?

Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-

Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?

Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101

Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.

I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.

That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]