Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.

Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.

I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.

I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me

On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity

Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?

Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.

When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.

Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks

❄️

plums roundup

I don’t know who needs to hear this but, your fingers will never get sticky if you eat your chicken wings while you’re taking a bubble bath

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

Friend: You have guacamole on your face.

Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.

Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.

purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?

[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]

You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?