Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.

me: “why tf does my back hurt??”

also me:

Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?

when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.

Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?

Me: No it was just wings.

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier

“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”

Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*

Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!

Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

8, who does gymnastics: she had a little wobble on the beam

The announcer, 5 seconds later: little wobble there

Me, always: what wobble?

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.

welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA

Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.

Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…

#merica