Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

[cats at shelter]

Where’s Frank?

“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.

professor X: what’s your power?

me:

professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.

[my funeral]

priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*

wife: *turns to my mom*

mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

😂🍻

U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg

Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good

TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUG

QUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME

THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-

We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians

7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.

7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.

7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.

8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.

9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE

god: i need you to get me some teeth

fairy: what

god: from children

fairy: WHAT

god: ok fine pay them

What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender

hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.

me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code

My love language is Latin. It’s dead.