5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
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God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.