Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”

Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.

I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

HER: my water broke

ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.

[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

Just a reminder, folks:

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus

EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die