Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”

JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*

“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi

I’m not even remotely sorry

I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir

left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it

It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos

I’ve updated my will…

“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”

[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]

Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I make bad decisions

“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”

PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN

The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.

Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?

Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please

“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

[being murdered]

me: this is free, right?

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.

What personal space?

My dog

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking