5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
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Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Obituaries should have clickbait titles
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets