Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

Time to play: am I having an aneurysm or is my bun too tight?

I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣

Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out

Random person: Did you try searching the internet?

Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.

The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.

I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?

Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.

*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

My wife is hilarious

We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email

She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to

When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.