Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it

#OneLiner

I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

ME: make a clone of me for my wife

SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]

ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back

WIFE: wait a minute

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

So Hamburger help me, God

Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.

5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.

casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for

My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…

FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!

ME: This reminds me of a time

FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

💯😂

Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.

i think my razor is having a panic attack