5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
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I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…