Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

falling in love with me is cool more people should do it

My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.

I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver

there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

“sticks and stones may break my bones”

“got it, thank you!”

“wait there’s more”

“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend

[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.

Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.

Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!

To Do List While in Jail

1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..

Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

toddler: hold my cheerios

toddler: *drops cheerios*

I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.

-me, to my cheese and crackers.

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

A chocolate advent calendar is a test of restraint that I simply do not have

Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-

*looks at the casket suspiciously*

Erwin Schrödinger.”

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.

Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”

Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky

Vampire: don’t say it like that

[in car]

7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd

*5 minutes later*

7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door

What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”