5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
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[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on