5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
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Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.