Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ

[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]

Me: GET A JOB!!

Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby

Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

The elephant is my spirit animal.

1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms

My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.

“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.

WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.

When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?

Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro

Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey

Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.

But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free

wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?

me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free

Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope

before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’

after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’

If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.

[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]

Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE

Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !