Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.

Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.

How to be a beautiful woman*:

– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws

*Awesome dragon

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.

If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦‍♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦‍♂️😏🤦‍♂️😉🤦‍♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.

My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.

If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.

Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.

*bangs gavel*

wife: who???

[First day as a driving instructor]

“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”

“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear

Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver

Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble

The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.

I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.

I said, “Ok, what do you want?”

She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?

Defeating imposter syndrome by actually being incompetent

i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.