5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
You Might Also Like
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
[Shark Tank]
ME: I have discovered a microbe that consumes plastic
MARK CUBAN: And why do you need our money?
ME: It ate my credit card
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button