5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
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I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio