5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
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I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.