5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
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“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
More like Kate Missington.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.
Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…
Nope, no thank you.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right?
Guy in front row: that’s a ham.
Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.