5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
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Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”