Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.

My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.

In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.

It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!

T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…

I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.

falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

i want it utterly assaulted.

“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.

My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock

How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries

I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.

I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck