5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
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ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms