5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
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yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.