Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back

Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.

This could be us but you eatin’

*me looking at a police lineup*

Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.

I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.

A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.

very niche meme I made

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”

The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…

Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

pain

I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want

10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.

[La Brea Tarpits]

ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times

SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway

The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.

Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!

Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.

A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.

Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!