Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.

90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.

Would I miss my leg or my arm more?

(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)

Alex: A ship that has sunk

What is my relationship?

Alex: No sorry tha-

[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex

KID: daddy how are idiots made

ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100

dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people

Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.

*Runs 6 miles*

*Adds Kenyan to resume*

A wise man once told me,

“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”

Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I didn’t floss?

DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-

Do you want to taunt a snowman?

This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me