5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
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Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
[eats all your cotton candy]
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Me [gasping]: Man, this stationary bike is harder than it looks.
Trainer: Now that you’re finally on it you should probably start pedaling.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
scares
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party