5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
You Might Also Like
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
This is the greatest and I won’t hear otherwise.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I can’t 🤣🤣🤣
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
shampoo implies shampee
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!?
Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…