Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?

[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!

Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”

ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.

Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.

Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours

Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house

Me: There was a murderer in my house?

The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.

Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.

idea for a movie:

a bear who is a parent

captures a psychotherapist

to cook as dinner for the cubs

and the movie is called

(and i’m very very sorry)

“kids, i honeyed the shrink”

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?

Me: I’d use the elevators

Hiring Manager:

Me: Elevators, Sir.

*Getting kidnapped* Okay, but can you please make me some coffee first?

“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.