5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
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cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you