5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
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Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
well this is just bullshirt
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?