Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.

Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽‍♀️

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life

“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.

My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

Mornin

something like this could probably happen to anyone

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

Me: I lost 13 pounds.

Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!

Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?

“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H

Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.

i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took

Siri, fight Alexa.

My birthstone is a marshmallow

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.

WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go

*married driving*

Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’

Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’