Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there

My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.

M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?

boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?

me: a little yes.

boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.

Hey I just met you…

And this is Crazy…

But this is a nice restaurant…

So, Silence your baby!

[first date]

HER: I totally love Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums

HER: Nevermind

ME Okay, forget about it then

Her: What’s with the microscope?

Me: Looking for my comfort zone.

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.

4: I didn’t know lizards were cold

6:

4:

6: BLIZZards

Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭

My 3y/o is the only girl at her small daycare. I was thrilled when she started talking about her new friend Piper and how much they loved to play. Every day for months: Piper this, Piper that.

Finally I asked the daycare lady about maybe scheduling a playdate.

Piper is a cat.

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.

I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”

My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped

Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this

Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?

Me: I got the dirt off.

Wife: What does that mean?

Me: *hides the leaf blower*

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out

Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you

Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.