5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
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Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
make up your mind
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo: