5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
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Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.